Thanks! Married and Divorced Alike-What are questions couples who plan on marrying should ask each other?
I was with my former husband almost 15 years and married for 10 years. At the end of our marriage we made one last attempt to save it and went to a cognitive behaviour therapist. He was excellent but it was too late for us. Still this is the first thing I would recommend. See a counsellor for 6 months before you get married(find a good one, a cognitive behavioural therapist if possible.)
What I learned is that there are fundamental differences (deal breakers if you will) that will determine if you should marry your partner or not
There is the obvious -- is he/she abusive, not just physical or sexual but mentally and emotionally (not as easy to figure out). No one has the right to control you or tear you down
There is the fixable -- How you communicate (what do you like to see/ hear when someone says shows appreciation , or says I am sorry. Are you visual (want flowers) are you verbal (like how it is said) figure out what is your love language and what is his.
There is the non negotiable -- Do you want kids or none? How many? When 1 year after, or 10?
If one of you does not want kids DO NOT try to force the other to your side it will end in misery and bitterness and the kids will suffer for it.
Is religion very important? Is one of you Catholic the other Jewish or something like that? Love conquers a lot but realistically that is a huge bridge to cross and may require a shift in a way of life not just thinking. If it is important to one of you that is a factor to really consider especially if you want kids to be raised in your faith.
Things that are huge but can be changed if you are willing to learn.
FINANCES -- observe how you both are with money. Who has the most debt? You both need balanced spending habits because finances are the top of the list for conflict and divorces.
FAMILY -- what kind of relationship does your partner have with his mother? If it is not healthy neither will your relationship be. Family carries a lot of weight and most of what your partner has learned comes from his immediate family. How they treat each other and how they are with you is a reflection of what to expect down the road. You will be marrying them and not just him.
FIGHTING -- do you name call, throw things, low blow (my relationship was passionate in good and bad ways) you need to learn to fight right. Not nagging to death and not running away or shutting down. Picking battles and being willing to let go of others. Fighting is not bad but how you handle yourself is what will do in the relationship.
SEX -- are you both very active or do you like 1x a week and he 3x a day? Men have a hard time understanding that once kids come into the picture sex drive goes out for most women. Women have a hard time understanding that most men like to have sex and do not care if you are fighting or tired or stressed. Sex is sex to them and has not much to do with anything else. Negotiate sex, do not be boring but open to new things, respect each others boundaries (it takes 2 to say yes and 1 to say no), make time for love and romance and love making.
Have fun, always look for the best in each other even when mad, seek help as much as you can, support each others interests and allow time for you and for him, don't keep secrets, respect boundaries. Take responsibility for your actions not theirs, forgive mistakes, don't nag, praise often and regularly.
Marriage is a great thing and even though mine ended badly I still say it is the best thing two people in love can do, just remember the vow says TIL DEATH DO YOU PART. Unless your man is Hugh Hefner expect that he will be around for a long long time. Can you love unconditionally for the next 50 years? If the answer is I don't know you are not ready for marriage. Truly.Married and Divorced Alike-What are questions couples who plan on marrying should ask each other?
What are your views on child rearing? All aspects - discipline, education, religion, names, etc.
How many kids do you want? And when?
What are your views on financial issues? All aspects again - bills, housing, insurance, jobs, etc.
What are your views on sex? Again, all aspects - frequency, positions, types, etc.
What is important to you in a relationship? Trust, honesty, respect, communication, courtesy and unconditional love.
What are your dreams in life?
Those are probably the important ones. But it can never hurt to talk about everything you can think of. It is not a waste of time and you will become even closer if you do this.
You should talk about everything! Most important, be compatible in financial goals, sex and child rearing. Learn to respect eachothers' opinions, know that you won't always get your way. Make a plan for how you settle differences. Agree to disagree.
Marriage is more than love, its respecting the person and yourself and allowing each person to grow and mature in the relationship. Make a promise that no matter, what you will stay married, for better for worse...and believe me, worse comes in every marriage but only the strong survive.
Realize that no one is perfect and neither are you.
Be fast to forgive and apologize.
What do you want from marriage?
Why do you think marriage will get you that?
But this won't help you much at your age. Marriages are about raising children and sharing lives. Divorces are about control and money.
If you want to protect your marriage, never allow yourself to be controlling with money. If you earn your own income, share expenses equally. Never expect him to provide more for you than you provide for yourself.
If you don't earn your own income, allow your husband to be in total control of finances all the time. You can help out by paying bills and such, but defer to him in all financial matters.
If you see the wisdom in this advice, you'll also see that you should get a premarital agreement to protect not only your own assets, but to protect against any future financial risk he might choose to get into.
If you think this advice is crap, then don't be surprised when your getting a divorce and it's over money.
A couple I know who were just married a couple years ago are now getting a divorce. She wants kids, he doesn't. He made it clear she married the wrong man if she wants a family. Make sure you discuss children. Some would say discuss money. Religion, if you're relgious. If you have different religions, how will the children be raised? Think of things that are most importnant to you. When do you want to start a family, if you do. Ask what's importnat to him. So you cover everything and know where each other stands.
I would ask in a nonthreatening manner, ';What actions or changes COULD prompt you to consider cheating?';. This question should be with the stipulation that neither will use the answer as material for an argument now or later on and it is to be nonjudgmental. The reason I'm suggesting this is not to keep a watchful eye but to realize 5-10 years from your wedding, the hot flames will be gone and only continuous involvement both physically and mentally allows a relationship to flourish.
1. What type of ring to buy for the engagement keeping it within a realistic budget not going over board bigger really is not better . Same with the wedding bands you can get the most gorgeous bands for 1/4 of the price bridezilla payed trying to impress and demean her friends .
2. Where to marry and remembering again budget , it does not have to be a $20,000 nightmare because it will be ruined in 1 way or another .Dont argue about how many groomsmen / bridesmaid's dont make a huge fuss following stupid made for money bridal magazines make the day your's and HIS , keep it small and romantic dont turn it into a 3 ring circus and keep the clothing attire to a minimum comfortable range . Huge white puffy bridal gowns are uncomfortable trust me I know , go for the simple comfortable dress that looks sexy to your figure .
3. Where to honey moon this is always more important because it is 3 days up to 1 week of your 1st week into marrital bliss this is your play time prior to the realism of the husband / wife comittment dont go over board on the pricing but make it nice and memorable and remember to check the up coming weather forecast dont book on line .
4. Where to live ? city / country / suburb ? apartment ? house ? what can you afford as a couple and will you both work or 1 work while the 2nd attends college . What school's will you live close to for your children public private ? what can you afford without trying to live above your means keep it real for them not just for you the more financial stress your under the more pain those kids suffer never argue in front of them about financial's .
5. Cars you do NOT need a $30,000 brand new car each look around for simple fuel economic cars that get you from A to B . House hold items electrical good's how much to spend brand new or 2nd hand ?. Furniture brand new or 2nd hand what can you really afford ? .
6. Financial's : how much to spend on food and nights out because every couple needs a date night once a week is a little bit over board maybe once every 3 weeks or once a month nothing to extravagant picnics on a beach or in rain forests followed by walks and talks are awesome and you dont really have to worry about what to wear . How much to spend on utilities a month watching what you use together so you dont get into debt .
7. When to have children how many to have will you raise them in a religion or will you allow them to grow and mature and choose their own when they are adult's .
8. The biggest mistake most couple's make is once they become a husband / wife team they still need to keep their families need's above their spouse's need's .Every christmas they spend fighting over who's family they'll spend Thanks giving / Christmas / New year with instead of attempting the alternate option 1 year with the wife's family , 2nd year with the husband's and 3rd year within their own home with their spouse and children this puts extra financial strain on families calm it down same with present buying , buy for the kiddies and allow the adult's if they absolutely have the need to buy for them get them after christmas at the sales .
9. Summer break where to spend it and do you really need to spend it spending hour's in a car driving some place that your just going to end up arguing during the drive and ruining your holiday , think realistically .
10. The MOST important , Will's ... write 1 everytime something new comes into your life , an apartment , house , car , electronic good's , a new child , jewelry , furniture upgrade's who get's what and where do the children go who do you trust if your both gone at the same time you seriously need to think of these things .
11. Divorce should it happen make it clean and dont use your kid's as a power pawn , who do they live with full time / part time , what is ok for them to do when / if a new spouse enter's the scene do they call them Jack or Phyllis or dad and mum ? . Hard I know but its realistic , holiday turn around's swapping christmas / birthday's / summer break , seeing grandparents dont cut them out just because your marriage is over doesnt mean the relationship with the grandparents should go south you didnt marry them and they arent to blame for your divorce no matter how much input they had during just play nice like an adult not a 7 year old child who feels they've lost their favourite toy .
Hope this has helped you if everybody looked at these issue's prior to marriage then maybe divorce wouldnt be in such a high catagory . Good luck .
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